The Phantom of the Opera vs The Scarlet Pimpernel
by queen of the imps
Summary: It’s the ultimate musical match-up! Two murderous villains pining for an unrequited love! Two singersactresses with lives like soap-opera characters! Two foppish aristocrats! French-ness! (No knowledge of SP required)
1. Marguerite vs Christine

The Phantom of the Opera versus the Scarlet Pimpernel!

Plot Outline: It's the ultimate musical match-up! Two murderous villains pining for an unrequited love! Two singers/actresses with lives like soap-opera characters! Two foppish aristocrats! And (almost) everybody's French! (Warning: Lots of copying/pasting of song lyrics. Deal with it.)

Today's round.....Christine vs. Marguerite!

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A studio audience filled to the brim with complete idiots was applauding wildly. Why? Because the monitors hanging above them told them so, that's why! And if they didn't obey the monitors, they would be killed! Or tortured! Or worse! (It's a sad fate, really, but in the end it benefits mankind. If they didn't obey the monitors, how on earth could they be expected to not question any and all authority brought before them? Really, it was for the best...)

"Why has the audience been applauding for the last half-hour?" A certain TenshinoFushigi asked impatiently as all experienced members of the TV studio got out of her way, fearing her wrath. The interns, however, young and naïve as they were, did nothing, not realizing that, if they happened to be in her path during her bout of fury, they would be eaten.

TnF's rage peaked when she found a certain group of stage techs playing a prank by using the monitor to command the audience to do silly things for their amusement. As the audience began the chicken dance, TnF also opened her mouth to begin to breathe flames and cause the apocalypse, but just then, one of the studio announcers screeched:

"Ten seconds to show-time!"

And with that, TnF was off to appear cheery for the audience. Can't disappoint the fans, can we? Plus, those techies would pay later. She has a Punjab lasso and a guillotine at her disposal.

TnF appeared onstage smiling happily and waving to the still-applauding audience. The audience, whose hands were becoming more bruised and bloody by the second, still continued their applauding. And they didn't stop. Not even after the monitors' screen went black. This would continue for the next several minutes.

TnF began the introduction. "Welcome, ladies and gents, to our first-ever episode of Musical Matchup! I'm your host, TenshinoFushigi, and today's match-up will be: 'The Phantom of the Opera' versus 'The Scarlet Pimpernel'!"

The audience continued to applaud wildly, despite never having seen 'The Phantom of the Opera' or 'The Scarlet Pimpernel'. Most were wondering what on earth a pimpernel was, and why it would be named after a character from 'Clue'.

TnF continued: "Before we get started, let's meet the six characters who will be joining us for the next several matchups! First, from the PotO camp: he's a French aristocrat who wanted to go to the North Pole for some deranged reason, Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny!"

Raoul, in all his (snicker) glory, appeared, and the audience continued applauding. Raoul was applauding, too. Why? Because the monitors said so!

Meanwhile, every phangirl watching this on TV began to curse horrifically, screaming obscenities and throwing heavy objects at their TV sets. Unfortunately, this broke their TVs. As a result, TV viewership went from approx. 15,000 to about 5.

"Next: She's a Swedish prima donna who easily believes in the supernatural, Christine Daae!"

Christine entered, in her 'Hannibal' regalia, and sat next to Raoul, who was still applauding. However, upon seeing Christine, he stopped in order to feel her up and snap her bra-strap a few times. Christine, believing he was giving her a back massage, thought about how cute and charming her husband was.

"And last, but certainly not least: He's been lurking in the Opera House for years and is always watching you through your dressing room mirror, Erik, the Phantom of the Opera!"

Erik entered, accompanied by the PotO overture on the speaker system. The phangirls who were supposed to be watching paused, sensing Erik's presence, despite the fact that their TVs were still broken due to their reaction to Raoul. It was then that they swooned.

"Alright, now let's start announcing the Scarlet Pimpernel camp: he's a Frenchie with a passion for chopping off heads, Chauvelin!"

As Chauvelin was introduced, the phangirls watching (who had finally fixed their TVs) realized that, as the villain, Chauvelin would be competing against Erik at some point. It was then that they began to create their Chauvelin effigies.

"Next: she's a saucy French actress, who, as a result of her accent, is completely incomprehensible, Marguerite!"

Marguerite curtsied to the still-applauding audience, and sat down two seats from Chauvelin. However, when he began waving what looked like a pair of her own panties at her, she sat down in the chair next to him.

"And last, but not least: They seek him here, they seek him there, those Frenchies seek him everywhere, Sir Percy, the Scarlet Pimpernel!"

Percy waved to the audience, then turned to TnF, bowed, and kissed her hand. All of the other males in the room huffed slightly, muttering, "Skirt-chaser".

TnF, flattered, turned to the audience. "Well, now that we've introduced the necessary characters, it's time for the first round of our musical match-up! Today's round is: Christine Daae vs. Marguerite St. Just!"

With that, the men were ushered out as Christine and Marguerite moved downstage. TnF turned to them, holding out her microphone. "So, how's it feel to be here?"

Marguerite smiled coyly. "Eet eez great to be here vis all zese vonderful people."

The audience applauded at this. But, then again, they applauded at everything. The monitors made them.

Christine then took the mike. "I'd just like to thank my wonderful husband, Raoul, for making this all possible for me. Without him, I'd have never made it this far."

TnF tried to cover her grimace with a smile, but failed utterly. "Is there anyone else you'd like to thank? You know, for helping you harness your talent and reach your full potential?"

"Raoul?"

"No, no. I mean, say, someone who helped you out at the Opera House with your singing."

Christine responded with a blank stare.

"You know, someone who maybe gave you singing lessons?"

Another blank stare.

"You know? Through your mirror? Who took you on a boat ride? Who had an exact likeness of you wearing a wedding dress in his home underneath the Paris Opera House?"

Christine blinked a few times.

TnF sighed. "Never mind....." And with that, Christine and Marguerite went off to get ready for the competition while TnF explained the show's rules to the audience.

"Alright, now let me explain how this show is gonna work. Each week, we match up a character, song, or scene from Phantom of the Opera and the Scarlet Pimpernel. There will either be one or three rounds for each category, depending on the match-up. These match-ups will be judged by three judged: myself, and two guest judges that will change from week to week. That being said, let's introduce our two guest judges!"

TnF began reading off of a notecard. "They're a couple from the manga series 'Paradise Kiss' who both work for a fashion designer: she's a sweet, pink haired innocent who speaks in third person, and he's a rough and tough rock-n-roller with a sarcastic streak, give it up for Miwako and Arashi!"

A short, cute girl with pink hair and a tall, gangly guy with green hair and more piercings than you can imagine walked onstage together. The girl waved enthusiastically, while the guy looked like he was staring at his feet, mumbling angrily.

TnF greeted them happily. "So, Miwako, how's it feel to be here?"

"Miwako has butter-wutterflies, being on a big stage like this!"

"And what about you, Arashi? How's it feel, now that Paradise Kiss has been canceled after only five volumes?"

"Shut yer ugly mouth."

"Moving on, then! Let's begin with the competition: Round One, the musical-within-a-musical segment, where Christine and Marguerite sing songs from plays that were performed _within_ the actual plot of their respective musicals. First up, Marguerite, with her rendition of 'Storybook'!"

(A/N: For the sake of saving you all from boredom, each song that is sung or performed in this story has been cut down to only a few verses.)

A spotlight appeared in one of the aisles of the orchestra seats, and Marguerite appeared in her full-out flirting garb. It was then that the men in the audience stopped clapping, fearing that the applause would prevent a single syllable she spoke from reaching their ears.

"Listen to me I have beautiful dreams I can spin you,  
Dreams to linger within you.  
Close your eyes and we'll ride my carousel."

It was then that 'ride my carousel' was added to the audience's ever-growing list of double entendres.

"I'll sing you stories of lovers whose love used to fill me,   
and the lovers who will be,  
for you see, love is one thing I do well."

Marguerite began moving through the audience, stopping to smile at, stroke, or playfully tweak the chin of the men in the audience. The women secretly began to create voodoo dolls of Marguerite out of the tampons they had in their purses. By the end of the night, there would be hundreds of tampons burning in the dumpster behind the studio.

"Come let's believe love can be just as sweet as it seems.  
Let's live on dreams..."

At this point, all of the same men who had called Percy a skirt-chaser were now infatuated with Marguerite. As she sang and stroked an octogenarian's chin, all of the men secretly turned her into a subject of their nighttime fantasies. All of the women in the audience seethed.

"Come and wake me! Come be the love I can hold now.  
Storybook love leaves me cold now.   
Show me the way to stop dreaming!   
There is only one perfect storybook ending.  
That is the end of pretending.  
That is the moment I say: 'Love me now!'"

It was at about this point that Marguerite launched into the part of the song where she begins to ramble in French, and the audience's attention waned. However, the damage she had done was irreversible. By this point, the men in the audience had added 'ride my carousel', 'fill me', 'wake me', 'come be the love I can hold now', and 'show me the way to stop dreaming' to their lists of double entendres, and the men secretly thought of Marguerite singing: "If you know how to feel love, _show me how...._"

Marguerite, meanwhile, was under the impression that she was providing clean, wholesome entertainment suitable for the whole family.

When Marguerite finished singing, TnF began to applaud lightly. However, for the first time in a long while, the audience did not clap. This had nothing to do with Marguerite's performance, however. It simply had to do with the fact that, by this point, their hands were so broken and bloody from applauding that they were simply unable to. Even though the monitors commanded them to.

TnF then began speaking into the microphone as Marguerite hustled backstage. "A wonderful performance by Marguerite St. Just! And now, a performance by Ms. Christine Daae! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for 'Think of Me'!"

Christine appeared onstage, still in her 'Hannibal' regalia. She stood center stage and began singing without moving at all. Not a hand, not a finger, not even a twitch of the head. This was because Christine was attempting to be like Emmy Rossum in 'The Phantom of the Opera' movie. And what did Emmy Rossum do onstage during 'Think of Me'? Ab. Sol. Ute. Ly. Noth. Ing.

"Think of me, think of me fondly

When we've said goodbye

Remember me, once in a while

Please promise me you'll try."

The male audience, hoping for something similar to Marguerite's performance, immediately fell asleep. The women, who were originally on Christine's side for the simple reason that she was_ not_ Marguerite, soon fell asleep as well. By the time Christine got to 'we never said our love was evergreen', the audience's snoring drowned out all other sounds.

"Think of me, think of me waking

Silent and resigned"

That line alone would have sent the men into wild fantasies of Christine in bed, but their boredom was so severe that they had entered REM sleep, where they dreamed of Marguerite fucking Pamela Anderson.

"We never said our love was evergreen

Or as unchanging as the sea

But please promise me that sometime

You will think...

A-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-AH!  
Ah-ah-ahahahaHA!  
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa....

O-O-OF ME!"

And with that dramatic finish Christine noticed the dazed slumber of the audience. Never one to think for herself, she followed the flock and took a nap onstage.

It wasn't until four hours later that TnF awoke. "Huh? Wha? Huzza wha?"

She looked around to see that everyone else in the room was unconscious. And yet, somehow, the cameras were still functioning, recording every snore, drool, or mumbled phrase that occurred in their restless dreams. TnF, deciding that desperate times called for desperate measures, awoke everyone else the only way she knew how.

"LOOK! IT'S PARIS HILTON!"

And with that, everyone awoke with a start. Upon realizing that there was no Paris Hilton, and that they were still within the television studio, the audience began to applaud again. TnF felt a migraine begin.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen! It's time for the judges to decide who wins Round 1 of Christine vs. Marguerite! Arashi, what do you think?"

Arashi, annoyed that he had to be woken up when he was having a nice dream of Marguerite, adjusted the paper clip hanging out of his lip and answered in a rather annoyed tone. "I thought Marguerite was better."

"How come?"

"Well, she was a lot more interestin' than Christine."

And with that, the men in the audience began to chant 'woot, woot, woot'. The women in the audience smacked them with their purses.

"Alright then. What about you, Miwako?"

"Miwako thought that Christine was much cuter-wuter than Marguerite-Barguerite. Miwako also caught Arashi drooling over Marguerite-Barguerite, so Miwako thinks that Marguerite is a little whory-dory."

TnF paused for a minute, trying to translate that sentence. When she thought she had gotten it, she sat down in the judge's chair for her own analysis. "Well, as a judge of this competition, I know I'm supposed to be fair and impartial. But since I am also the authoress, who owns you all and everything you do, I have the right to be as prejudiced as I wanna be. So I'll say it now: Christine, I despise you."

The audience gasped. This was not so much out of shock, but because the monitors had the words 'gasp out loud' written on them.

Christine looked hurt. "B-b-but why? WHY?"

"Well, I mean, HELLO! If I read Gaston Leroux's 'Phantom of the Opera' correctly, and I do believe I have, then the only real reason that you ever decided to leave Erik for Raoul was because you're so FUCKING SHALLOW that you can't live with a man who has Erik's face!!! You were okay over the fact that he was a MURDERER, that he LIED to you, that he BROUGHT YOU INTO HIS UNDERGROUND HOME under FALSE PRETENCES, that he PRETENDED TO BE A HEAVENLY BEING, but his face?!!!!! THAT'S what broke the deal???? And ANOTHER thing...."

TnF continued to rant in this manner. Somewhere, Erik was grimacing.

Finally, when TnF was done, she took a deep breath, plastered a smile on her face, and stated calmly. "So, in any event, I cast my vote for Marguerite. On to Round Two!"

She stood up and began to resume her duties as MC. "So, here's how Round Two is gonna work: I'm gonna ask the audience to pick a category, and our two lovely ladies will compete over who dominates in that category. Any suggestions?"

Many audience members began calling out, and TnF began to regret participating in this event, since the suggestion seemed to follow a similar pattern:

"Biggest Cup Size!"

"Least Whory!"

"Best in Bed!"

"Most Decent When Performing Onstage!"

"Person Who's Given Head More Often!"

As the suggestions continued, TnF clutched her head, hoping that the show would be canceled right in the middle of taping.

Finally, one person shouted, "Best Stripper Name!"

TnF seized upon this. "Alright, the category is Best NICKname! Alright, ladies, give us your nickname, how you got it, and us judges will decide the winner!"

Christine shot TnF an innocent smile, hoping to win her over. "Well, my nickname is Little Lotte. It's a name my daddy used to call me, and he would always sing me lullabies about Little Lotte and how she would one day be visited by the Angel of Music." With that, Christine sighed, not out of fondness for this nostalgia, but because the Angel of Music reminded her of Raoul, since the two of them had both tried to kill each other. (Sigh) Such wonderful memories!

Marguerite, shot a smile out to the audience, and several men threw slips of paper with their phone numbers written on them in her general direction. "Vell, mah nickname ees Leontine. It vas a name zat I used ven I hid een France to try and rescue mah brother, Armand, ven mah ex-lover Chauvelin....." Marguerite paused, remembering that Chauvelin was still in possession of her panties, and she probably shouldn't speak ill of him under such circumstances.

"....vell, I'll save zat story for another tahm."

TnF nodded. "Alright, then, it's time for the judging! Arashi, what do you think?"

Arashi responded while playing with the chain running from his lip piercing to his ear piercing. "Well, I think Marguerite wins. 'Leontine' just has more appeal than a cutesy nickname like 'Little Lotte'."

"You're not just saying that because you think Marguerite's hot, right?"

"Erm......"

"Never mind. Miwako?"

The short girl played with a lock of her curly pink hair as she answered. "Miwako thinks that 'Little Lotte' is the better nickname."

"You're not just saying that because Arashi thinks Marguerite is hot, right?"

"Um......."

"Never mind, it's my turn to judge."

TnF sat in her judge's seat, crossing her legs while playing with Arashi's chain AND Miwako's hair. "Well, unfortunately, I've got to go with Christine on this one."

Marguerite looked slightly offended, while Christine was happy. Yay! TnF liked her! Sorta!

"Vell, vhy do you say zat?"

"Well, Leontine wasn't really your NICKNAME, it was more like your ALIAS. Therefore, it doesn't really count."

TnF stood up, clutching her microphone and transforming into MC mode. "Well, that means it's time for Round Three! SUDDEN DEATH!"

And with that, the sound of thunder booming was played on the loudspeakers. The audience, however, could not hear this, because they were still applauding. (This is getting old, isn't it?)

TnF turned to Christine and Marguerite. "Alright you guys, THIS round determines the victor for today's episode!" Flames shot up behind her, creating an eerie effect. Marguerite and Christine shook.

Christine gathered the courage to speak, as TnF began to cackle wildly. "W-w-what do we have to do?"

"You have to engage in the most primitive, animal, debasing form of competition EVER! One that dates back to the earliest days of brawling, slaughter, and violence! One that is a time-honored method of restoring and destroying dignity and honor!

....CATFIGHT!!!!"

And with that, the brawl began. The audience, horrified, squeezed their eyes shut and winced. However, they learned every detail of the brawl from TnF's commentary:

"Ooh, Marguerite's attacking with the stiletto heel, but Christine's still got her in a headlock....Ooh, that's painful! Marguerite's biting Christine's ankle, Christine's thwacking Marguerite with her purse, Christine's got her in a chokehold......OOH! That's gotta hurt! Christine flips Marguerite, Marguerite tackles Christine, Christine's struggling........Marguerite's tickling Christine, Christine is becoming weaker.......weaker.......MARGUERITE WINS!"

And with that, the audience opened their eyes to see two divas onstage, lying on their backs and trying to recover their breath. TnF continued to commentate.

"Well, that's all for today, folks! Join us again tomorrow for episode 2: Raoul vs. Percy! G'night!"


	2. Percy vs Raoul

The Phantom of the Opera vs. The Scarlet Pimpernel-Round Two!

Raoul vs. Percy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera or Scarlet Pimpernel or Paradise Kiss or Fushigi Yuugi or 'Puttin' on the Ritz' or cheese or socks or the comic book industry or Marie Antoinette's head. Nyeh.

Maglenan Princess: Marguerite's an awesome character to a parody on. She's an awesome character: she's strong and tough and talented....so of course, I gotta knock her down a few notches. But she gets through this fairly unscathed (wait'll you see what I do to RAOUL...).

Baffled Seraph: Yay! I'm not the only one who doesn't like Christine! And yes, Leontine is the cooler name. But I couldn't give Marguerite Round Two, or else, Round Three would have been pointless. And Lotte means manly? 0.0;;;

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It was a bright, sunny day, and the birds were chirping, the butterflies were fluttering, and small children were smiling with lollipops in hand.

However, inside a certain television studio, the apocalypse had been unleashed.

"WHADDYA MEAN, THE FCC????"

TnF was foaming at the mouth, and some poor intern was about to face the wrath of a she-demon if he didn't come up with something to calm her down.

"Well, miss, you see, after that whole incident with Janet Jackson, the FCC has been extra-cautious towards content on TV......you know, like that whole incident with that 'Desperate Housewives' skit before the football game...."

"BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH _US????"_

"Well, miss, you have to understand that our last episode was a little bit _risqué...."_

"It wasn't risqué at all! We planned it out as a FAMILY SHOW, fer cryin' out loud!!!"

"Well, it's not really _your_ fault; it's just that there were some unexpected events..."

Sadly, TnF had to admit that this was true. Between Marguerite's flirtatiousness and Chauvelin's possession of a certain pair of panties (not to mention all that other stuff in between), the whole show had been like a bad sitcom.

Or, even worse, a bad _fanfiction._

Written by a hyped-up, insane authoress.

Who's addicted to iced tea and Freecell.

Who's laughing insanely as we speak.

NAH......that could never happen......

Right?

Aaaaaaaaaaanyways, TnF tried to control her growing headache. "But I don't understand....the whole setup is wholesome enough!!!! For goodness sakes, this is Broadway we're talking about! What's more wholesome than Broadway?"

Everyone who had ever seen 'Gypsy' began laughing out loud as soon as she said that. Sadly, this included TnF herself, who couldn't quite understand who or what she was laughing at so hysterically.

When she finished her laughing fit, she faced the bewildered intern. "So what rating did the FCC give our show, anyway?"

"Rating 'X'."

TnF frowned. "I didn't even know that they had a 'X' rating."

"Well, they do, actually, but they only save it for very special cases..."

"Such as?"

"Well, erm, hard-core S-and-M, onscreen executions, and, occasionally, that 'Fear Factor' show....."

"And WE got an X-RATING?????"

"Erm.....yes."

TnF's head began to throb insanely. She couldn't decide whether to throttle the FCC or the intern. Deciding that the FCC was too far away, she settled for the intern.

Luckily for said intern, the voice of an angel (or, rather, the show's director) came onto the loudspeaker. "The show's gonna start in thirty seconds!"

And with that, TnF was off, to be the MC, judge, and authoress all at the same time. And all without losing her cool (snerk). The intern, meanwhile, went to a nearby church to praise God for not having had his vital organs mutilated in a horrific, bloody fashion.

The audience waited patiently for the show to begin. Due to last episode's disastrous results, the monitors had been taken down to prevent the excessive clapping of the previous editing. However, the monitors had not been pleased. They continued to control the audience using their awesome powers of mind-control, which they hoped would help them someday rule the world.

By the time TnF was onstage, the monitors had decided to command the audience to do the chicken dance. And so they did, to the bewilderment of TnF.

TnF, despite this odd occurrence, began the show with a big, eerie smile plastered onto her face. "Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our second episode of Musical Matchup: The Phantom of the Opera versus the Scarlet Pimpernel! Today's round is: Raoul Chagny vs. Percy Blakeney!"

And with that, the two aristocrats entered in all of their foppish glory.

((A/N: The words 'fop' and 'foppish' will be used a lot in this story, especially this chapter. And, before I get any complaints, 'fop' is NOT a derogatory word for homosexuals. Its literal meaning is "a man who is excessively concerned with his clothes and appearance". 'Kay? Moving on.)

Percy sat down after waving at the audience politely, while Raoul immediately ran to his chair so he could immediately get back to what he was doing: playing GameBoy. Ah, how Mario amused him. He loved Mario. And Mario loved him. Isn't that riiiiiight, Mario! Yes, you do! Yes, you DO, shnuggy-wuggums!

(Ahem) Sorry 'bout that, Raoul's stupidity is starting to become contagious again...

TnF turned back to the audience. "Now, before our festivities begin, let us bring in our two guest judges for this chapter: they're both foppishly interested in clothing and appearances, and, let's face it, that's what makes me adore them! George, from 'Paradise Kiss', and Hotohori, from 'Fushigi Yuugi'!"

And with that, a blue-haired fashion designer and a long-haired emporer dressed in medieval Chinese garb walked in. The audience became confused and disappointed. Why wasn't this like American Idol, where there were COOL guest judges? Why weren't there any judges like Mark McGrath? They wanted Mark McGrath! Why couldn't they have Mark McGrath?!!

After the highly flamboyant designer and the narcissistic emperor had taken their respective seats, TnF continued announcing. "Alright, for our first round, our two contestants will each perform a musical number from their respective musicals. Each of their songs have to do with heroism and courage, and striving to do good. So, first up, is Sir Percy, with his musical number 'Into the Fire'!"

And with that, TnF took a seat next to the other two judges, and the lights went out, save for a single spotlight in the middle of the stage. Percy, who had been standing in the darkness, stepped into the spotlight and began his song.

"David walked into the valley  
with a stone clutched in his hand....  
He was only a boy, but he knew  
someone must take a stand...

There will always be a valley,   
always mountains one must scale.   
There will always be perilous waters  
which someone must sail!

Into valleys! Into waters!  
Into jungles! Into hell!  
Let us ride, let us ride home  
again with a story to tell!"

The audience was actually interested in this performance. It wasn't Marguerite's, for sure, but, hey it was loud and had a fast tempo. And, let's face it, that was really all that was keeping their interest. Plus, who one earth was this David guy and what did he have to do with anything?

"You can tremble, you can fear it,  
but keep your fighting spirit   
alive, boys!  
Let the shiver of it sting you,  
fling into battle! Spring to   
your feet, boys!  
Never hold back your step for a moment!  
Never doubt that your courage will grow!  
Hold your head even higher   
and into the fire we go!"

Despite their apathy, by the time Percy got to that 'Onward ho' at the end of the song, the audience was inspired. They wanted to go stop the French from cutting off people's heads, too! Dern tootin', they would! Being the apathetic imbeciles that they were, however, they didn't know that the French Reign of Terror had ended over two hundred years ago. As a result, the audience formed a band of renegade soldiers, and began marching off to France, singing 'Do You Hear the People Sing?'.

As a result, for the rest of the show, there was no audience to contend with.

As Percy ended his song, he looked around, confused, wondering where everyone had went. TnF, aware that the cameras were still rolling, immediately took over and pretended that nothing unusual had happened.

"Alrighty, then! That was Sir Percy Blakeney with his rendition of 'Into the Fire'! Now, it's Monsieur le Vicomte's turn! Raoul?"

Raoul barely looked up from his GameBoy. "Wha?"

"Your song. You're supposed to sing your song."

"Huh?"

"You know? For the competition? You and Percy are each supposed to sing a song about heroism and courage."

Raoul shrugged. "Haven't got one of those."

"WHAT?"

"Well, I mean, think of all the songs in the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. Name one time where I get a song all to myself."

TnF thought for a moment and realized that there was, indeed, no song on the PotO soundtrack that Raoul sang by his lonesome. Inwardly, this pleased her.

"Well, don't you know any other songs about heroism and courage?"

"Herring-whatsit and curry-whosem?"

".........okay, do you know any other songs AT ALL?"

Raoul thought for a moment, which caused his brain to strain quite a bit. Then, he struck gold.

"Yes! Yes I do!"

"Good, well, get it ready to sing in about five seconds."

And with that Raoul was off to prepare, and TnF turned back to the cameras. "Well, sorry about that little delay, folks! Now, we present Monsieur Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny, in his rendition of whatever-song-he-just-picked-in-the-last-ten-seconds!"

And with that, everything was once again plunged into darkness, save for the single spotlight. Raoul stepped into this light, wearing a tuxedo and a top hat, while carrying a cane.

Raoul took a deep breath of air, and then began to sing.

"If you're blue and you don't know

Where to go to why don't you go to where fashion sits

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

And thus began his vaudeville routine.

TnF was dumbfounded that, out of any and all songs that had ever been written, he had chosen a song that had been redone by a guy named 'Taco'. And she was also reminded of a certain movie starring Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle. Good 'ol Mel Brooks.

"Dressed up like a million dollar trouper

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper

Come let's mix where Rockefellers

Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

And with that, TnF lost all focus and began daydreaming in order to block out Raoul's voice massacring her ears. At the same time, the two guest judges began to bicker amongst themselves, as Hothori tried to kill George with his sword for having played with his hair and mistaking him for a woman. George, however, took this for playfulness and continued to flirt, simply because he was George, and George was he. Besides, gender really wasn't a big issue for him.

As Raoul finished his song, he bowed, then noticed that no one was applauding. He sulked.

TnF snapped out of her daydreams and noticed that he ears were no longer dying of pain and misery. So she turned to her fellow judges, and asked: "Well, what do you think? Should this round go to Raoul or Percy?"

However, George and Hotohori were rather busy, as Hotohori had accidentally punctured George with his sword. George, however, didn't seem to mind, and kept calling it a 'love wound'.

TnF tried to get their attention towards the matter at hand. "You guys? Guys? GUYS!!!!"

They continued to ignore her, until suddenly, she came up with a bright idea.

"RAOUL'S RUNNING AROUND IN HIS UNDERWEAR!!!!!"

And thus began the girlish screams of terror from the two men.

When they finally managed to calm themselves down, as well as remove Hotohori's sword from Raoul's side, they finally turned to the matter at hand: whether or not the victory should go to Raoul or Percy.

"Percy."

And thus ended that.

Despite an enormous tantrum on the part of Raoul.

TnF stood up, turned to the nonexistent audience, and then continued her job as MC. "Now, it's time for Round 2! This would be the part where we'd choose this round's category by getting a suggestion from the audience, but since there is no audience, I get to choose! Nyeh!" She did a quick victory dance, and then continued. "And I choose......um.........erm.......motivation for foppishness! There we go!"

She turned to Raoul and Percy, who were sitting in their chairs in a very ladylike fashion. "So, Raoul, what motivated you to become so foppish?"

Raoul blinked. "I'm foppish?"

"Moving on! Percy, what motivated _you_ to become the fop that you are today?"

Percy answered while smiling blithely and looking rather impish. "Weeeeeellllll, it all started when I got a very odd note at my wedding reception." Somewhere, Marguerite was flinching. "Let's just say it contained some terrible news that implicated my wife in political espionage and concerned one of my friend's losing his head. All that good stuff. Soooo, this sent me into this whole little 'Scarlet Pimpernel' phase where I'd go over to France in disguise with some of my good buddies, and we'd having a rousing good time by keeping people from being publicly executed. But, you know, I didn't exactly want Marguerite to know, since I thought she was a spy and all, so my friends and I, Lud love us, decided that if we acted like girly fops that were only going to France to buy fabrics, no one would ever suspect us of being in cahoots with the Scarlet Pimpernel. It was all in good fun, really."

TnF nodded. "Alright then. Just one question, though."

"Hm?"

"...........how come you're unable to say the words 'Lord' and 'damn'? I mean, I'm not advocating their use as profanity, but you don't seem to able to pronounce them right when you do use them that way."

"What are you talking about?! Of course I can say 'Lud' and 'dem'!"

TnF sighed. "Never mind."

She then turned to the other two judges. "Well? Whaddya guys think? Raoul or Percy?"

She then noticed that the other two judges were gone, and she became confused. Little did she know that George had to be dragged to a hospital by Hotohori after using some rather dirty double entendres in conversation (i.e. "nurses giving injections, then getting some back").

TnF sighed, then turned to the two contestants in order to make her decision. "Alright......now, I know that this decision may seem unfair, but I'll explain myself in a seond.......this round goes to Raoul."

Raoul did not notice. He was playing his GameBoy.

Percy's brow creased. "But WHY?"

"Well, y'see, even though I despise Raoul and would like for you to win against him 3-0, it simply can't be done."

"Why not?"

"Because if I give you this round, too, then everyone will know that you win, and then Round Three is essentially pointless."

"But.....you just told me that you want me to win. And you're the authoress. So that means that I'll probably win, no matter what."

TnF cegan to sputter. "Yeah, well.......erm......you see........uh........erk........STOP RUINING MY LOGIC!!!!!!" Steam shot out from her ears in a rather amusing fashion. She huffed and pouted for a minute. "Well, now maybe I **won't** let you win. Nyeh." And with that, she proceeded to stick her tongue out at Percy. Percy stuck his tongue out at her. For once, Raoul was not the only person in the room acting extremely childish. This would have been a great moment for him, except that he was too busy playing GameBoy to notice what was going on.

Ten minutes later, Percy and TnF's tongues got tired, so they stopped their juvenile antics. Despite the fact that they had not finished 'nyehing' at each other.

Aaaaaaaanyway, TnF again resumed her duties as MC. "Alright, folks, now it's time for Round Three! For this round, we will which of these two men here is a true fop!!!!! For them to prove their foppish worth, they most come up with something really, really foppish. And I don't mean pedicure foppish.....I mean Carson from 'Queer Eye' foppish."

If the audience were there, they would have gasped out loud.

TnF turned to the two contestants. "Alright....Raoul, you're up first. You have to think up something reeeeeeally foppish."

Raoul thought really, really hard for a second, and it almost made his head burst. But he came up with something. Of course, by that point, ten minutes had passed.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!"

"Well, good, now go get ready."

And Raoul dashed off.

TnF turned to the imaginary audience. "Alrighty, then! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present: Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny!"

Raoul appeared onstage, and an all too familiar tune began to play in the background.....

"If you're blue and you don't know

Where to go to why don't you go to where fashion sits

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

It was then that TnF began to scream.

Five minutes later, despite Raoul's musical number being done, TnF was still screaming. By this point, George and Hotohori had returned, and the two of them, accompanied by Percy, were trying to clam TnF down. Raoul had gone back to his GameBoy.

"Make it stop!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Percy tried yelling over her. "It's over, he stopped singing several minutes ago! Dem it all, you'll lose your voice doing this!!!"

"THE RITZ!!!! THAT HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE RITZ!!!!"

"Yeeeeees, darling, we all know that it's terrible, but you don't need to keep screaming over it!"

TnF began to catch her breath, gulping air while glancing about nervously to ensure that Raoul, indeed, had stopped singing. When she was finally certain of this fact, she began to giggle nervously for a moment, and then calm down slightly.

Of course, then George seized the opportunity to slap her ass, and then she returned to her normal psychotic self.

Five minutes and George's third 'love wound' later, TnF had returned to her MC, hoping that the cameras were angled so that no one would notice that the third judge was missing.

"Alrighty, then, that was Raoul Chagny, in his performance of 'Puttin' on the Ritz'.....again. So now, it's Percy Blakeney's turn!" She turned to Percy. "Alright. Do you know how you're going to prove your foppish worth in today's competition."

He nodded. "Yes, I do, but first, I need a man from the audience to help me out."

"Um......the audience is gone. They've been gone for most of today's episode."

"Oh, yes, I forgot about that......" Percy looked around. Hmmm.....there had to be some man here who could help him out! But who?????

It was then that he spotted Hotohori.

"You sir! What's your name?"

"Our name is Hotohori."

"..........I see. Well, would you mind terribly if you helped me out for this one teeeeeeensy little musical number?"

"........we suppose not."

"Very good then!" Percy then cupped his hands around his mouth and called out in a sing-song voice: "Ohhhhh, boooouuuuuunders!"

And thus, Percy's friends (a.k.a. the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel, a.k.a. the bounders) pranced happily onstage. They came bearing fabrics, tape measures, and accessories of all shapes, sizes, colors, and textures.

Percy clapped his hands together gleefully and turned back to Hotohori. "Now, didn't you mention before that you're some sort of a king?"

"We are the emperor of Qu Dong, an ancient Chinese kingdom."

"Ah, well, you certainly don't _dress_ like an emporer."

"Excuse us?"

"Well, shouldn't an emperor be dressing more appropriately to befit his royal station?"

"What do you mean?"

Percy made a tsk-ing noise while taking out a tape measure. "Really, now, you're a member of the royal family.....no, _the_ member of the royal family. And here you are, walking around in your pajamas."

Hotohri's face turned crimson. "I'll have you know that these are fine robes made from fine Japanese silk..."

"Yes, yes, I know, I read the laundry tag. But darling, you simply _must _learn to keep up with current fashions. Right, bounders?"

The bounders, who had been picking out accessories, nodded and began draping feather boas around Hotohori's shoulders, to Hotohori's horror.

"What're you trying to do, turn us into a _peacock????_"

And it was then that Percy launched into song.

"Peacocks! Sink me!  
Think ye, sir

How those feathered boys love to flaunt their tails!  
Stallions!

Zounds, sir!  
Hounds, sir, stags!

Of the goosie and the gander, sir

Which gender is the grander, sir?  
To render total candor, sir,

The splendor is the male's!"

Hotohori wondered why on earth Percy was singing about the zoo, and what they had to do with those feather boas.

"Wha.....?"

"Now, it is your duty, highness, as the prince of your land, to lead the way in _every_ way, and that includes a good sense of fashion....."

"What?!!!"

Percy ignored him and continued his song as he began to French braid Hotohori's hair.  
"Be an example to your sex!"

The bounders, who were taking Hotohori's measurements, joined in.

"Give your boot a dapper strap!"

One of the bounders added: "And it's smarter if your garter has some snap!"

Hotohori was absolutely horrified. How did they know he wore a garter?!! It was supposed to be a secret!!! He'd kill someone for this....

Percy dabbed some blush onto Hotohori's cheeks, then added some lipstick.

"Cravats should be flounced about our necks."

"Let the royal coattails flap!"

"Be bewitching

With some stitching

On your cap!"

"Now drape your cape

And puff your cuff

Embroider those lapels!"

Percy satisfied that his creation was done, stood back and admired his work while continuing with the song.  
"Be the king of the beasts in pastels!

La, but someone has to strike a pose

And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes

And that is why the Lud created men!"

And with that, the cong finished. Percy presented Hotohori with a mirror. "Weeeeeeell? What do you think?"

Hotohori ran screaming from the room.

Percy shrugged. "Just not his style, I guess."

TnF applauded. "Well, since George and Hotohori are both gone, I feel proud to announce that I deem Percy the winner of this round!"

The bounders, upon hearing this, began to twitter.

"And that ends today's episode! Join us next time, and we'll have the round you've ALL been waiting for: Erik vs. Chauvelin! Until then, tata!"


	3. Erik vs Chauvelin

The Phantom of the Opera versus the Scarlet Pimpernel!

Erik vs. Chauvelin!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera or the Scarlet Pimpernel. Or Oklahoma (the musical, not the state, although I do not own that either). So NYEH.

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Oh, what a beautiful mooooooorning! Oh, what a beautiful daaaaaaay! I got a beautiful feeeeeeeeling everything's going my way!

Sorry, random lapse in judgment. Won't happen again.

...maybe.

Aaaaaanyway, it was a bright sunny morning, and all was well at a certain television studio.

Okay, who am I kidding? It was chaos. It's ALWAYS chaos. But that's why we love it so.

TnF was storming around the studio, looking for someone to destroy, because she was enraged. Nothing stressful had happened recently, so no one knew exactly what she was enrage over. Possibly, she was enraged over having nothing to be enraged over.

It was not a good situation for the interns.

One particular nervous intern had huddled into a corner, rocking himself back and forth while remaining in the fetal position. The other interns almost felt bad for him, knowing full well that if TnF spotted him, he would automatically become her one and only focus. But, on the other hand, this meant that the other interns got off easy. So nobody gave him any warning.

Just as TnF was finished shredding her third throw pillow using only her teeth, a voice came on the station's loudspeaker. "Showtime, folks! In ten, nine, eight..."

And with that TnF was off to begin her duties as MC, and the intern was safe for yet another day. Or, at least, until someone forgot to refill TnF's coffee. It was only a matter of time.

TnF ran onstage as a rather disappointed audience looked on. The audience members had been quite frustrated that 1) the Reign of Terror had finished two hundred years ago, 2) there were no more French people having their heads chopped off publicly, and 3) it was impossible to take the Metro bus all the way to Paris.

So they sat there, glumly, hoping that today's episode would pull them out of their sadness. Until then, they ate ice cream by the gallon.

TnF smiled warmly at the cameras, hoping that she would appear friendly to the viewers. The viewers, meanwhile, though she seemed reminiscent of a wolf stalking prey.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of Musical Matchup: The Phantom of the Opera versus the Scarlet Pimpernel! Today's round is: Erik versus Chauvelin!"

And with that, the two villains came onstage to be greeted by half-hearted applause from the still-depressed audience. To try and induce enthusiasm, Erik began twirling his lasso above his head. However, in the process, he hit one of the poor cameramen across the face, thus knocking him unconscious. No one would notice his unconscious self until five hours later, when, for unknown reasons, he was robbed of all his possessions and stripped naked.

After the initial applause, the two villains sat down and TnF began to speak again. "Now, before we begin, allow me to introduce our two guest judges!" She turned to Chauvelin and Erik. "I believe you two will recognize these familiar faces from your past. I hope you'll be happy to see them, because they're _dying _to see you..."

The doors to the stage opened, and the two villains paled visibly upon seeing that their two guest judges were none other than Joseph Buquet and the Marquis St. Cyr (who was carrying his head around, as it had parted from his neck some years back).

As the two guest judges sat down, TnF smiled sweetly. "Now, Erik, I'm absolutely POSITIVE that you remember Mr. Buquet from the Opera Populaire?"

Erik nodded slightly, then began twirling the Punjab lasso aimlessly in order to deter TnF from asking any more questions. Sadly, she did not take the hint.

"Well, from what I've heard, you two are _quite_ good friends, isn't that right, Mr. Buquet?"

"Ab-so-LUTE-ly." Buquet had somewhat of a sadistic look on his face, but Erik continued to ignore it.

"Yes, I'd heard there was a bit of an incident between you two involving a certain piece of catgut shaped like a noose, but why should juvenile antics split up two good friends like you?"

No one answered.

"A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-anyway, let's move onto Mr. Chauvelin and the Marquis St. Cyr over here. Now, wasn't there a little incident between you two as well?"

Chauvelin, getting more and more annoyed by TnF, replied grimly: "He was a political prisoner AND a fugitive AND a member of the aristocracy. So I had his head chopped off."

St. Cyr looked slightly miffed. "AND those of my entire family."

"Well, don't mess with the French Regime! Maxilimilian Robespierre is not one to be trifled with!"

"Didn't HE have his head chopped off some two hundred years ago?"

"Oh, do SHUT UP."

TnF decided to intervene before this got out of hand. "A-a-a-a-a-and it's time for Round One! Why doesn't everyone go get ready while I explain what's going on to the audience?"  
As they did so, she turned to the audience, smiling.

"This first round will be a test of both contenders' musical prowess AND their seductive abilities."

The women in the audience were suddenly intrigued.

"Each of them will sing a seductive song, and the better of the two wins. For the sake of clarity, Erik will be accompanied by Christine during his song, while Chauvelin will be accompanied by Marguerite during his song. Is everyone ready?"

When she was sure that, indeed, everything was ready, she announced: "And first up, with his rendition of "Where's the Girl?" is Monsieur Chauvelin!"

The curtains parted to reveal Chauvelin and Marguerite in a sort of one-sided embrace. A single spotlight illuminated them, and would follow them as they dances, ballroom style with a sensual twist, throughout the song.

"I remember days full of restlessness and fury.  
I remember nights that were drunk on dreams.  
I remember someone who hungered for the glory.  
I remember her, but it seems . . . she's gone . . .

Where's the girl?   
Where's the girl with the blaze in her eyes?   
Where's the girl with that gaze of surprise?  
Now and then I still dream she's beside me . . .

Where's the girl?  
Who could turn on the edge of a knife?  
Where's the girl who was burning for life?  
I can still feel her breathing beside me..."

Throughout the song, you could tell the Chauvelin was getting horny for Marguerite. You could also tell that the females in the audience were getting horny for Chauvelin, although, anatomically, it was less obvious.

"And I know  
she remembers how fearless it feels  
to take off with the wind at her heels—  
She and I took this world like a storm! 

Come again!  
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.   
Bring your renegade heart home to me..."

This was the part where Chauvelin pulled out the big guns, the two lines that no female who has ever seen the Scarlet Pimpernel has ever forgotten for a single fleeting second:

In the dark of them morning  
I'll warm you, I'll rouse you. . ."

It was then that the women in the audience discarded their Chauvelin effigies (from all the way back in Chapter 1) and suddenly began paying rapturous attention to everything that came from that man's mouth.

The men noticed nothing out of the ordinary.

At this point, Chauvelin's dancing with Marguerite onstage had become a frantic tango of sorts, though they both managed to keep in step quite nicely. Those members of the audience who were both observant and intelligent were able to figure out that the dancing was a symbolic representation of their erotic desires taking a physical manifestation that was not, technically, erotic.

BA-AH-AA-A! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Who am I kidding? This was an audience to a CRAPPY DAYTIME TV SHOW! These people had the IQ of a SOAP DISH! Bahahahahahaha! XD XD XD XD XD

(ahem) Sorry, lost control for a second there. Won't happen again.

Maybe...

A-a-a-a-a-anyway...on with the song.

"Marguerite,   
don't forget I know who you are.  
We were cut from the same surly star,  
like two jewels in the sky, sharing fire.

Where's the girl,  
so alive and still aching for more?  
We had dreams that were worth dying for.  
We were caught in the eye of a storm! 

Come again!  
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.   
Bring your renegade heart home to me."

Here it comes again, folks...

"In the dark of the morning,  
I'll warm you, I'll rouse you . . ."

And thus the women of the audience swooned. So did Marguerite, but that was only because she needed to for the purposes of the song.

When Chauvelin finished the song, he and Marguerite left the stage just as Erik and Christine were entering. Chauvelin hissed at Erik: "Beat THAT."

"Amateur." Erik hissed back.

Christine and Erik took their places and the curtains rose to reveal the setup for Erik's lair, and the background music for 'Music of the Night' began to play.

(A/N: The version of 'Music of the Night' that is shown here is the one found on the Phantom of the Opera's Highlights CD, not the regular cast recording, because I like this version better.)

"Nighttime sharpens  
Heightens each sensation  
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination  
Silently the senses abandon their defenses  
Helpless to resist the notes I write

For I compose the music of the night..."

Several audience members swooned. Mostly females.

"Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor  
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender  
Hearing is believing  
Music is deceiving  
Hard as lightning  
Soft as candlelight  
Dare you trust the music of night?"

Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth  
And the truth isn't what you want to see  
In the dark it is easy to pretend  
That the truth is what it ought to be"

Somewhere, Gerard Butler was watching this on TV and saying, "Oh, THAT'S how people sing."

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you  
Hear it, feel it  
Secretly possess you  
Open up your mind  
Let your fantasies unwind  
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight  
The darkness of the music of the night"

Erik continued on like this with Christine, eventually reaching the point where the mannequin reaches out to Christine, causing her to faint. Sadly, this did not work as well as it was supposed to. The mannequin, having grown tired of only being onstage twice, and having absolutely no speaking parts, decided to attack Christine in the hopes that she would become a major character. Christine, having about as much muscle as a piece of string, was overcome by the mannequin's wiry strength. Erik, trying to save her, roped the Punjab lasso around the mannequin's neck. Sadly, the mannequin was not technically ALIVE, and this did nothing.

After a full half-hour, some bouncers, a few black-and-blue marks, and a dismembered mannequin later, all was well. TnF, sweaty and out-of-breath from the tussle, resumed hosting duties. "Well! Let's see what our judges have to say about this round of the competition! Buquet?"

Buquet, pretending that he wasn't completely prejudiced against Erik, folded his hands calmly and took a deep breath. The audience wondered why exactly he had a noose around his neck all the time. It wasn't a flattering accessory.

"Well, I'd have to say, it wasn't exactly Erik's best performance, even ignoring the mannequin incident. And Chauvelin was quite charming during his song."

St. Cyr's head, sitting in St. Cyr's lap, objected. "Actually, I believe Chauvelin's song was rather unoriginal, relying on sex appeal, while Erik had more of a hallucinatory, soothing quality."

"That's not true. They both relied on sex appeal, but Chauvelin did better at getting the audience to pay attention to him."

"I disagree. Erik produced a haunting quality that caught the audience's attention better than Chauvelin..."

"That's incorrect..."

And so on and so forth. The audience, TnF, Chauvelin, and Erik all fell asleep, listening to the two ghosts/corpses/zombies/whatever-they-are drone on and on. After about three hours, the two of them lost their voices, and thus had to resort to a fist-fight, which did work very well, since they were both dead and could feel no pain. However, it did manage to rouse TnF from her slumber.

Twenty minutes later, the two dead people had been separated, bound, and gagged, and TnF had woken everyone else up. After a few minutes of eye-rubbing, yawning, and promises of 'five more minutes', the audience sat in their seats, grumbling about the wonderful dreams they'd been having.

TnF, pretending that nothing out of the ordinary, continued with the judging for the two villains. "Well, it's very difficult to decide between two very convincing villains, singing two very good songs. So I'm going to have to judge this round not on merit, but on how well the song worked within the context of the musical."

The audience simultaneously scratched their heads.

"You see, when Chauvelin sings 'Where's the Girl' in the Scarlet Pimpernel, Marguerite kicks him out of her house and tells him to never come back. But when Erik sings 'Music of the Night', not only does Christine seem to fall for him, but she ends up spending the night. Okay, granted, it was because she fainted when the mannequin grabbed at her, but she stayed nonetheless. So I think Erik wins this one for pure effectiveness."

The audience remained confused. They decided to fall asleep again, and their snoring would overwhelm any other dialogue for the next several minutes.

"Alrighty then! Time for Round Two! In this round, we will judge the effectiveness of these villains at what they do best: killing people for no reason at all, yet getting people to love them anyway! The topic is: weapon of choice, and weapon of choice's key weakness. Chauvelin?"

"Well, my weapon of choice would have to be the guillotine, since, you know, I did work during the Reign of Terror."

"Uh-huh. And what's its chief weakness?"

"Wax figurine heads."

"Come again?"

"Wax figurine heads."

"...are you making this up?"

"CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON?"

"Alrighty then! Erik, what's your weapon of choice?"

"The Punjab lasso, of course, as Monsieur Buquet knows well."

"And its chief weakness?"

"People holding their hands at the level of their eyes."

"Come again?"

"Just move on to the judging already."

"Alrighty then! Since I am the only judge that is not 'tied up' at the moment, I get to make the final decision. Whee!" TnF proceeded to do a small dance, thus confusing and horrifying those in the studio who were still awake.

After about fifteen minutes she stopped, since she was getting a little winded. Pretending that nothing unusual had just happened, she sat down in her judge's chair and smiled sweetly.

"Well, I have to say, this was an easy judging. See, the thing is, as long as they're informed, ANYBODY can hold their hands at the level of their eyes, thus stopping the lasso in its tracks. But, you know, mannequin heads are a little more difficult, and not everyone's a close friend of Madame Tussaud. So I'd have to say the Monsieur Chauvelin's got the more potent weapon of choice, so he wins this round."

Chauvelin began making whooping noises, which made everyone else feel very uncomfortable.

As soon as he had finished, TnF quickly resumed her hosting duties. "So! Now it's time for Round Three, which, for our two contestants, can only mean one thing: hand-to-hand combat!"

Chauvelin quickly turned pale. "W-w-wait...what!"

"Hand-to-hand combat. Y'know, fighting."

"B-but I don't FIGHT: I have HENCHMEN. You can't honestly expect me to-..."

He was cut off by Erik's Punjab lasso, causing him to sputter a little, and quickly pass out. TnF cheerly concluded, "Erik wins this third round, then! Next week: The battle of the big-production numbers! Toodle-oo!"


End file.
